Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
