Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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