OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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