My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
