thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
