do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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