it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
