Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
