her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
