The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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