guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Randomize
