it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
