How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
