is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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