So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
