I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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