She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
