I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
