Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
