the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
