I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
