Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
