i just sold back the books i vomitted on
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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