Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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