you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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