there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
