I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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