he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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