Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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