No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
