Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
