Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
