I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
