Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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