I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
