My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
