Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Randomize
