it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You're a waste of cheezeits
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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