how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
