I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
