Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Randomize
