I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
