Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
