I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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