i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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