dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
