they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
She needs sedatives and a leash
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
