His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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