ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
