i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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