Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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