I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
